Dear Fellow Deviants:
PHONE UPDATE:
As little as I depend on technology, I still lean quite heavily on my phone. It is almost certainly the cheapest phone available today, and cannot do any of the fun things that phones do these days. But it's my link to the outside world and has all my contacts - although I back them up on paper from time to time, I'm not entirely diligent. Thus my absolute dismay at realizing I have lost it.
I have no idea how this happened and I am fairly certain it is still in the house. However, it is on silent (a byproduct of my visits to the library for internet access) and may be Gone Forever, because my house is alarmingly cluttered. Suffice it to say I didn't realize I'd miss it so much, or be driven to utter distraction by its MIA status. I need to buy a new one, and that will mean a loss of all my contacts and my number.* And I may find it the second I do so (which would be awesome) but until then I am losing business. This is very stressful. *It's a pay-as-you-go phone.
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I will soon be selling some signed+doodled upon prints, original artwork, and other things on Etsy. The other things are utilitarian+decorative items I have designed based on my personal aesthetic, which has been loosely and accurately described as "whimsical forest nymph on psychedelics".
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I am spending a lot of time on my commissions trying to find a way to do them quicker. This ironic and inconvenient stalemate is why I have been turning out pieces at a slower rate. I apologize, and urge anyone who needs work by a specific date to let me know in advance. My ultimate goal is to make good work and I will often do several versions of commissions in order to get them perfect. It's not great for my own business, but I don't feel like I am good enough anymore. I am frustrated with my limitations and am involved in a serious process to improve myself.
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I have been reluctant to discuss my health, and my finances, because I feel like it might impact my future employment. Knowledge of my issues has seemed to affect how I am treated at work, and in either case I get paranoid about it and think it does… I hope to find a full time job soon, and therefore can't be open and honest on dA about what's going on. If I don't find this full time work, I have no hope of changing the way things are and getting the right treatment. But if I don't talk about it, people who have commissioned me (and people who care about me) might be really confused. And if I just hint, like this, I seem like one of those people who post "terrible day" on facebook and respond vaguely, driving their loved ones crazy.
:/
Whatever - the important thing is, I am NOT a sad person. I am not a poor little anything, I am quite fine. Staying positive, finding inspiration, and being alone with the universe. I am not suffering, at all.
I have become very invested in the lives of others, to the point where my empathic response to news stories manifests physically, to the point where I can't NOT talk to people who talk to me. I want to do something meaningful with my life, and help people. But I know I need to get a steady job first. Whatever is happening to me, it's probably like when people get born again, but it's not religious. It's just internal. I find it weird to talk about. Like you know when people tell you they've spoken to God? And you're not sure what to say? I have no easy explanation for why I am changing, not like that, but I feel like a different person. Possibly a better person, or at least I have a very strong desire to be, for the first time in my life.
I used to be pretty complacent about how I am, but now I am spring cleaning my soul. I dunno why? I just need to be able to sleep soundly at night. I want my checks balanced, in a manner of speaking.